RIP, CAGE MATCH. 2008(WE THINK) – 2010.

Here, watch this, it’ll add to the effect and such:

FOR THE PAST, OH, COUPLE, TWO, THREE YEARS, WE’VE BEEN BRINGING YOU SOMETIMES GRATUITOUS, BUT MOSTLY RIDICULOUS VIOLENCE, ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. HERE, CHEETOS WERE MORE THAN DELICIOUS CHEESY SNACKS, THEY WERE WEAPONS DAMMIT. HELL, SOME OF THE FINEST WEAPONRY MANKIND HAS EVER KNOWN WAS CREATED HERE—-THOSE POLISH SAUSAGE NUNCHUKS DID SOME REAL DAMAGE, DIDN’T THEY?!? SIGH. THEY DID.

THE CAGE MATCH WAS BORN OUT OF LAZINESS, A WAY TO LET YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS ABOUT NEW MUSIC SO WE DIDN’T HAVE TO. BUT ALAS, THE SHIP HAS SAILED, THINGS HAVE RUN THEIR COURSE, ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END, NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY, THAT WHICH DOESN’T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER, A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED, AND A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE.

WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO SAY, IS THAT THE CAGE MATCH ERA HAS OFFICIALLY COME TO AN END. ALL THE GREAT BANDS AND SONGS WE’VE INTRODUCED YOU TO ARE NOW IN A BETTER PLACE. THE CAGE MATCH WARRIORS HAVE FOUGHT THEIR LAST FIGHT. THE CHAMPIONS’ COUCH, MADE OUT OF HOSTESS CUPCAKES, WILL NOW OFFICIALLY BE EATEN WITH A LARGE BUCKET OF MILK AND FOLLOWED PROMPTLY WITH A BOTTLE OF CUERVO.

WE WILL FIND NEW HORIZONS, AND NEW WAYS TO EXPOSE YOU TO NEW MUSIC. LOOK FOR DETAILS SOON, BUT UNTIL THEN, WE BID YOU ADIEU, CAGEY MATCHEY. NICE KNOWIN’ YA

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